Thursday, June 25, 2009

Chief Mockery Officer

chief mockery officer
One thing that pisses me off about the San Diego culture is how people are unwilling to hang out "on a school night". Unlike places like Los Angeles and New York, getting people to go out for happy hour is akin to suggesting they join up for a Bataan Death March. A few weeks ago, Crew Member Shadinsky set up a little get-together in downtown La Jolla - a place that tourists pay damn good money to visit - in which he invited 25 coworkers to attend. Of the 25 people who were invited, only 3 showed up. The excuses ranged from "I have to hang out with the family" to "Sorry, I have work the next day".

Now keep in mind, this is San Diego. We work 40 hours a week...tops. It's not like you have a bunch of attorneys and bankers pulling 100 hour weeks and who therefore would have legitimate excuses for not being able to make happy hour. No, these are slackers who work 8:30AM to 5:00PM with an hour lunch break. Of course, the irony is that in places like New York where you have people who do work the crazy hours, people have no reservations about enjoying food and libations till late into the evening (or even into the AM).

After getting fed up with the happy hour turnouts, I promoted myself to Chief Mockery Officer of the company and issued the following memo:

New Happy Hour Policy
From the desk of the Chief Mockery Officer

Directives on Happy Hour
It has been brought to my attention that employees have been: 1) declining invitations to happy hour, 2) accepting invitations, then declining in the last minute, or 3) accepting invitations and simply not showing up. Such actions are completely unacceptable. Due to the continued disregard of happy hour etiquette by select employees, I have implemented the new policies below that are effective immediately.

Seniority Rules. If you are invited to happy hour by your manager, supervisor, or anybody with an important sounding title (regardless of whether such title confers any actual authority to the individual), you are required to attend. Failure to attend demonstrates your inability to grasp basic concepts like an org chart, and suggests that you should be working at a mall kiosk instead of at a Fortune 500 company.

Sunshine Tax. If you fail to show up to happy hour during “one of those perfect SoCal nights”, you will be automatically added to the Project Realignment list and will likely be transferred to Oakridge, Tennessee by the end of the following quarter. Once in Oakridge, you will be permitted to decline all the happy hours you desire considering the heat, the humidity, and the fact that you will be in Oakridge, Tennessee.

Cushy Job.
Despite what you might believe, you have a fairly easy job. Working between 8am to 5pm with an hour lunch break does not constitute a long day. If you decline happy hour using the “I’m too tired” excuse, you will be put on the Investment Banker 14/196 schedule in which you will be required to work 14 hours a day for 196 total hours per pay period so that you will have something to really complain about. Your first infraction will require you to be on the 14/196 schedule for one pay period with each subsequent infraction adding an additional pay period to the term. If you don’t have sufficient work load to fill the 14/196 schedule, you will assist the office janitorial crew in cleaning the bathrooms.

No Flip Flops. Once you have accepted an invitation to happy hour, you must attend the event. If you fail to show up, regardless of whether you inform the happy hour organizer or not, he will be permitted to repeatedly beat you over the head with a pair of flip flops. If your failure to show up causes economic harm to the organizer, he is permitted to use the nearest blunt object in lieu of flip flops. Any resulting head trauma and/or brain damage will be your responsibility.

American Idol. If you decline happy hour so that you won’t miss American Idol (or any variant thereof), you will be summarily terminated. Due to the ridiculousness of your excuse, your hiring manager will also be terminated.

Permitted Exemptions. You are permitted to skip happy hour in the event of the following: death of an immediate family member (including family pet) within the past 48 hours, nationally declared flu pandemic, happy hour is at Chile’s, or you are on travel beyond 100 miles of the city limits,

Contact: Jaba NoBacka, Chief Mockery Officer

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