Be Patriotic, Spend Money

If you are under the impression that this country of ours has turned into the land of bargain hunting, hand-out seeking, Socialist whiners, you are probably not too far off. This nation that once symbolized capitalism and opportunity, a land where people crossed vast oceans sometimes in nothing more than a barely-seaworthy dingy in order to work and struggle for a better life, has turned into France. And that might be being a bit too harsh on the French. Before I continue much further, I should let you dear readers know that I'm not some right-wing, Rush Limbaugh-adoring, all-taxes-be-damned Republican who thinks I got to where I'm at simply because I pulled myself up by the boot straps without anyone's help. No, that would be Crew Member Tandori. On the contrary, I'm a moderate Democrat who is more than happy to pay my fair share of taxes, who credits a great deal of my current lot in life to the private school education and comfortable upbringing that my parents were able to provide me.

Enough of the prefacing, back to the rant.

Over the past few months, you can't open the newspaper, listen to the radio, click on your browser home page or watch TV (even Comedy Central) without getting bombarded with all the terrible news about the economy. Home prices continue their free fall. Unemployment is skyrocketing. States are broke. Banks are failing. The government is dolling bail-out money like it's Kleenex tissues on sale at Wal-mart. If you didn't know any better, you would think that the entire economy has collapsed and we're headed towards a Soviet-era communist system.

But here is the thing: you do know better. While obviously there are people who are struggling to make ends meet, odds are you know a hell of a lot more people who are still gainfully employed, who are still making payments on their homes, and who have some semblance of a retirement fund. In fact, you probably know a handful of folks who are not only getting by, but are actually doing quite well thank you very much. And it is to that last group that I say: SPEND SOME OF THAT FUCKING MONEY YOU ASSHOLES!

A big part of why we're in this current mess is that people who couldn't afford to spend money spent well above and beyond their means, and more recently, those who could and should be spending some of their cash are hoarding it like squirrels stashing their winter nuts. I personally know a number of individuals in the latter group and they just piss me off with their frugality. While the government is spending almost a trillion of our tax payer dollars in order to try to stimulate the economy, we have a bunch of these blue-light special coupon clippers sitting on the sidelines doing nothing to help the economy or our country.

Take Cheap Bastard #1. Let's call him Joel, because that's his name. He is a 45-year old, single male, mid-level executive earning a respectable six-figure salary with a net worth in the low-single seven digits. He has no car payment, his monthly mortgage payment on his house is less than what your average college student would pay for a shared two-bedroom apartment. He has no financial obligations of any kind. Despite having more discretionary income than a mid-round NFL draft pick, Joel scrimps and saves his cash like he's an Afghani street begger. His cars are well past their useful lives and he could easily purchase a new luxury car with the change in his sofa, but he has yet to pull the trigger because he is looking for the "right deal". With a straight face he once said that he was looking for a late-model Porsche 911 that he can buy for under twenty grand. His obsession with deals and coupons have morphed into an illness. It's like Tourett's but instead of blurting out obscenities, he can't have a conversation without mentioning something about a coupon or a sale that he found.

Joel is not alone. There is a whole host of these frugal bastards that are delaying our economic recovery. There's Greg, an attorney in Houston who despite bragging that his current income is equivalent to someone in San Diego making three-quarters of a million dollars (thats $750,000), refused to go to Cabo because he could't find a bargain basement priced ticket on Tijuana Air. Or Sunny, a still employed 31-year old investment banker earning more per year than the average price of a San Diego home, who wanted an Xbox but refused to spend the $200 retail price and currently owns one simply because his friends (who combined probably don't make as much as he does) chipped in and bought him one. Just classy.

So if you're like Joel, or Greg, or Sunny, why don't you dig deep down in your heart and pocket and help out this country that undoubtedly has done a lot for you. Spend some of your fucking cash. It doesn't matter if it's a new car, or a plane ticket, or an Xbox, or even freaking unlimited lap dances at Cheetahs (cause you know those strippers need some economic stimulus as well), buy something. Hell, perhaps get out of your comfort zone and - GASP - pay full price. If you don't, no worries. I still have faith in America. We are not the French. We are an industrious bunch and we will work our way out of this current turmoil. However, karma is a bitch. She giveth and she taketh away. All that money you've been hoarding? It's going to be a shame when you mistakenly invest it all with a Ponzi scammer or when you're on your death bed and you realize that you really can't take the money with you. That would be such a shame.

photo via huffingtonpost.com